About Me

Tuesday, October 07, 2008

Feeling fat today...and hating it

In all the years I've been fat (over 9 years now), I never felt fat until today (not counting the times I was growing babies inside of me).
After getting the 2 little ones ready to go pick up Elisa from school, and getting them in the van, I tried to start the van - and it wouldn't start. It was 5 til 3 and I knew I would be late. So I called everyone I could think of to see if someone could go get her - to no avail. I had to walk. It's about a 25 min walk - not really a big deal. I've done it before - many times actually. In fact, last year I did it in the hot, hot sun while 6 months pregnant!! Today I had difficulty. Maybe it was because I was pushing 2 kids in crazy wind and practically running so as not to be too terribly late - but I think it was just because I'm fat.

Gosh - it's crazy how it's so hard to even write that.

I've known it for a long time - but I've never felt it until today. It sucks to feel fat.

I should be able to walk 25 minutes with my kids without feeling sore or winded. I should be able to play basketball with my husband without being self-conscious about how I look. I'm tired of choosing my outfits not by what looks best, but by what makes me look the least fat. Ick.
I'm tired of feeling like the fat girl in the room. I'm tired of people being careful what they say around me. I'm sick of always feeling guilty anytime I eat anything that tastes good. Most of all, I want to believe my husband when he tells me how beautiful I am.

I don't write all this for sympathy - in fact, I'm kinda wishing no one would read this one. I just had to write it. I had to admit it. It's time to stop feeling crappy and do something about it.

Today I will set a goal and start working towards it. I'm kinda thinking that if I put it out there - I'll be more likely to stick to it. You will all keep me accountable just by me knowing your out there.

Tonight I will take measurements so I'll have a place to start. If I'm feeling crazy brave, I might even post them. We'll see. For now, it feels good to just vent a little.

Feeling fat today...and hating it!


Rebecca said...

oh how many days I have felt your pain. Just remember...be realistic. You didn't gain it over night and you won't lose it overnight! BUT if you stick with a steady plan it will come off pound by pound. Please let me know if I can be of any encouragement! Love ya-

McSvajda said...

Rebecca is absolutely right! And what you need to know is that absolutely everyone feels that way sometimes. Even me, especially me....just this morning I am beating myself up over something I ate. So kudos to you for wanting to do something about it, because normally I just complain about it and never actually do anything to make a change. Bravo!