About Me

Wednesday, December 16, 2009

My little lost sheep

Last night as we were getting ready to go to church for rehearsal, at some point Maya went missing.  I thought she was in the play room with the other two girls and I slipped away to go brush my teeth and hair while Ricky loaded the carseats in the car.  I came back a few minutes later to get them cleaned up and dressed.  I called for Maya but she didn't come.  So I started searching (not worried, just in a bit of a hurry).  Couldn't find her anywhere.  I called to Ricky to help me find her - still thinking that she must be hiding behind a chair or table somewhere.  My house isn't that big so when I didn't find her in about five minutes I started to panic.  I called to Syd and Elisa to help us look.  We looked in bathtubs, closets, cabimets, in laundry baskets, in the back yard and the front yard all while calling out her name.  After about ten or fifteen minutes of searching high and low I called 911. 
He started asking me questions about how much she weighed or how tall she was, her date of birth, what she was wearing - most of which I couldn't remember because of the state of mind that I was in.
About a hundred scenarios rushed through my mind as I was running up and down my street calling her little name terrified that she wouldn't be found.
As the police were less than a minute away (I heard sirens), Elisa came out the front door yelling that they found her!  At first I didn't believe it - I said "What do you mean you found her?" confused at how she could just suddenly show back up.  Apparently she was hiding in the very back of my closet behind the low hanging clothes.  What's crazy is that I looked in that closet twice - and even looked behind that rack of clothes!  I called to her when I was looking in there and she didn't answer.  I still am very curious about what was going through her little mind as she hid for 30 minutes without a peep while we were frantically calling for her to come out.
I can't even put to words how I felt when I thought she was lost - and how I felt after she had been found.

I wonder if that's how God feels about us.  I wonder if He feels that same kind of pain when we're trying to hide from Him and refusing to be found.  I know that He knows where we are and so doesn't experience fear.  I wonder, though, if the pain He feels for His lost sheep is anything like the pain I felt last night about my little lost sheep.  I wonder if, when His lost sheep return if He feels anything like I did last night when mine showed back up.

I think the part of all of it that still amazes me is that when we found Maya she had no idea anything was happening.  I couldn't control my sobbing when I was finally holding her again - and she just kept looking at me trying to figure out what in the heck was wrong with her crazy mommy.  She had no idea that she was the one that caused the pain.

I have a feeling that there's a lesson there for us.  I'm still a little too weary and shaken up to explore it fully.  But I know this.  If God loves me more than I love Maya (and I know He does b/c He's the source of the love in the first place), then I know He must feel so much more deeply than I ever could for His lost sheep.  It makes me want to pray so much harder for those lost sheep who mean everything to Him.  It makes me want to look at people differently when I know how deeply the Father cares for them.

Last night was the hardest night of my life so far (and I've had really hard ones!).  I pray that God will use what I've learned for His glory.

Thursday, December 10, 2009

Wait, Wait, Wait your turn...

I had a bit of a revelation today during Bible study class.  We were talking about waiting on God and how hard it is to trust in His timing. 

Ever since my oldest daughter was little, I wanted her to be good at waiting.  I think it's hugely important for us to teach our kids that waiting is important and that they can't always have what they want immediately when they want it.  It's so annoying to see a child chanting over and over again what they want and how they want it NOW!  I really, really didn't want my child to be like that.  So, when Elisa was about 2 or so, I taught her a 'waiting' song to make it more fun while she had to wait for something - her turn when playing with friends, for her food to be ready to eat - you get the idea.  The song went like this (to the tune of Row, Row, Row Your Boat)...

Wait, wait, wait your turn - waiting can be fun.
Patience, Patience, Patience everyone.

We sang it over and over and over again.  We would sing it on long car rides when she wanted to be home already, or when she wanted so badly to go play at the park but I had some chores to do first.  It was actually really effective with her.  She had fun with the song.  I think it helped me to teach her that waiting can be fun and how to deal with things that aren't happening as quickly as she would like.  Even now when she has trouble with waiting, I remind her of the song and she'll sing it by herself (sidenote: I have the best kid ever :)

I wonder if I need my own grown up version of the 'waiting' song. 

I have such a hard time waiting on God's timing in just about every area of my life.  I wonder if sometimes He is using my circumstances to teach me about the importance of learning to wait on Him.  I wonder if I will ever learn the lesson.  You would think that each time would get a little easier, or that I would at least be a little less impatient than the last time.  Sadly, I'm not sure that's the case.  I hope that today I've made progress - and that tomorrow I'll be more patient.

I can almost hear Him inviting me to sing along with Him -
"Wait, wait, wait your turn...waiting can be fun. 
Patience, patience, patience everyone."

Saturday, December 05, 2009

View from the Fishbowl

I was driving home from my parents house yesterday.  I came to where a small road intersects with a much bigger one.  I was sitting at the light (first one in line) waiting to turn left on the bigger road.  There was a man behind me in a big pickup truck.  He obviously wanted to turn right and was quite annoyed that I was in his way (he could have turned right on red).  He kept turning on and off his blinker and edging a tiny bit closer to my bumper every few seconds to make sure I knew that I was in his way.  I honestly thought it was a little funny, but was also a bit annoyed at his lack of patience and kindness.

Tonight as I was laying in bed trying desperately to sleep, God brought back to mind that encounter.  I began to wonder how often I behave that way.  How often do I wish that those around me would either go my way or just get out of my way altogether?  I'm not talking about driving.  I'm talking about life.  About ministry.  About relationships.  I often get annoyed or impatient with people not doing things the way that makes the most sense to me.  Sometimes even at God.  I often wish that God would do things in a way that makes sense to me.  I often find myself wondering, "Now why'd you do it that way, God?" 

The man in that truck knew nothing about me, my route, my life...but he was annoyed that I was making things harder for him.  It was all about him.  So often we get stuck in the 'but what about me' mindset and forget that "God is painting on a canvas bigger than we can see or comprehend".  Our little piece of the puzzle is just that - a little piece.  When I begin to think I deserve, desire, wish, want or need anything apart from what God says I need - I miss the bigger picture.  I'm seeing things from inside the fishbowl. 

Often God won't let me go to sleep until He's told me what He needed to tell me - until my will is surrendered to His - until my heart is about obedience and the things of God.  Tonight is a night like that. 

My prayer for tonight is that God will help me to step outside of myself, my problems, my hurt, my confusion and try to see things from an eternal perspective instead of from my tiny little fishbowl. 

Thursday, December 03, 2009

The Things Kids say...

My conversation with my 3 yr old earlier today:

Sydney: Mommy, do you like me?

Me: Of course I like you!  Why?

Sydney: Because I don't like you.