For about a week I've been feeling like I recently got the wind knocked out of me. Then yesterday I literally had a bucket of cleaning supplies fall on my head. I just stood there trying not to lose my lunch and trying hard not to cry - although I could not keep the tears from filling my eyes. I wasn't sure what to do - should I lay down? Should I sit? Should I call someone in case I pass out so the girls won't be left alone with their mom laying limp on the floor - I know, I know - I'm terribly dramatic. I had no idea what to do. I knew what I wanted to do - I wanted to be held by my big, strong husband and told that it was going to be okay and then I wanted to eat a bunch of cheesecake. Exactly how I have been feeling all week. In fact, today I made a pan of cheesecake only to accidentaly spill a cup of lemonade all over it ruining it. Sad.
I wish I could tell you that I have some profound new understanding of my situation and what I'm supposed to learn through all of it - but I don't. I am still sitting here feeling exactly the same way I did at the beginning of this week - windless.
I have been reading the book of Ruth for the last few weeks - little by little. I believe that Naomi, and Ruth too for that matter, must have felt something similar although probably on a much larger scale. I'm sure they felt, when they lost their loved ones, that they just had the wind knocked out of them. They had left Judah because of a famine and went to Moab. While there, Naomi's husband died and eventually also her two sons died. They had left their home, the only place they had ever known and had ended up somewhere entirely new. After some time there, the new place became a place of sorrow - a place of great loss. Naomi had a moment, I am sure, where she didn't know what to do next. She must have been scared, confused, angry, sad - and a hundred other emotions to be sure.
I feel that way right now. I recently left a place that felt like home to me and ended up in another place where I knew no one. Although I am still certain that I was following God's leading in leaving my comfortable place and going to the place He called me, I am now fighting with the feeling that it might've been easier if I hadn't gone there at all. It would've hurt less if I had stayed where I was comfortable. It would have saved myself and my family a lot of hurt if I had just ignored God's call. I wonder if Abraham ever felt like that? Or if David ever thought it would've been easier if he had remained a shepherd boy instead of becoming the King that God desired. Or if Peter, while sinking in the Sea of Galilee, thought maybe he should've stayed in the boat? I know it's not necessarily the right thing for me to be wondering right now - but I'd be lying if I said I wasn't.
I know that God's purpose for me remains, and I know that He is as loving as He has always been. I also know that I am a different person than I was three months ago and that God will work it all out for His glory.
He is, after all, still God. He is just. He is good. Although I don't understand the why of it all, or what I'm supposed to learn from it all - and maybe I never will - I DO know that I would follow Him there all over again. A hundred times again - I would. I love the Lord, Jesus Christ, with all my heart and soul and am committed to living wholeheartedly for him and to following wherever He leads.
There's a song that I have recently fallen in love with that seems appropriate right now for me. It's called What Grace is Mine, written by Keith & Kristyn Getty and is on their album, "Awaken the Dawn". Here are some of the lyrics:
So I will go wherever He is calling me.
I'll lose my life to find my life in Him.
I give my all to gain the hope that never dies.
I bow my heart, take up my cross and follow Him.