The empty parts of me

I'm in the middle of Beth Moore's "Living Free" Bible study, which I'm doing along with a handful of other ladies. I needed to flesh out a little of what I've been pondering this week.

One of the things Beth said is this:

"The mystery I will never fully understand is why we would trade God, the only source of genuine satisfaction, for worthless idols that can never satisfy. Yet that transaction calls to you and to me every day of our lives."

I loved this statement. I agree with it. I, too, am a little confused by the truth in it.

It makes me think of what Paul said in Romans 7:15:

"For I do not understand my own actions. For I do not do what I want, but I do the very thing I hate." (ESV)

I am a little encouraged that I am not alone in this. It amazes me how I continue to seek out satisfaction in things - in people, relationships, attention of others, food, and so many other things - that I already know won't give me what I want or need.

I've had moments where I knew God was trying to teach me to depend solely on Him - that there isn't anything else (or anyone else) that can fill my soul. I remember one of those moments came when Elisa was a baby. She was about 5 or 6 months old - and Ricky had very recently been diagnosed with Leukemia. I was trying to stop depending on my relationship with my husband to satisfy my soul, because I had no idea whether or not he'd still be here in a year - and I didn't want to be left entirely devastated. So, then, without even realizing it - I turned to my perfect little baby to fill the empty spaces in me. I would stay awake at night and watch her sleep because I was afraid that if I left her side for a moment that she would stop breathing and my whole world would come apart. She became everything to me - to the exclusion of the One I really needed.

One night, when I was watching Elisa sleep - I began to cry. I was so terrified of losing my husband and daughter that the fear was beginning to consume me. I was beginning to have a hard time functioning normally. I had become crazy overprotective, and was beginning to hate that part of me. I pulled out my Bible and began to read. I started to read through the Psalms and found so many verses that talk about finding my satisfaction in God alone, He alone is God, God alone is my rock and my salvation, and so many more. I was overwhelmed with the understanding that God wanted me to look only to Him to satisfy me. That night I surrendered my husband and my Elisa to Him. I came to understand that God could take them away from me in a split second if He thought it was best and there would be nothing I could do about it. I had to come to grips with the fact that they are not mine at all, but God's - and they will never satisfy the empty parts of me. Only God can do that.

I will never forget that night - I will never forget that moment of surrender. It's been almost 8 years since that night - but I still have to surrender them to God on a regular basis - sometimes even daily. How quickly we return to our old ways. I am so grateful that I know a God who so often and so freely gives grace to those who seek Him.

Jesus, thank You for Your grace today. For Your desire and ability to fill me up in all of my empty places. I pray that today I will look only to You to sustain me. That You alone will be my desire.

"You open Your hand and satisfy the desies of every living thing.
The LORD is righteous in all His ways and loving toward all He has made.
The LORD is near to all who call on Him, to all who call on him in truth.
He fulfills the desires of those who fear Him; He hears their cry and saves them.
The LORD watches over all who love Him, but all the wicked He will destroy.
My mouth will speak in praise of the LORD,
let every creature praise His Holy Name forever and ever!"

(Psalm 145:16-21)